In flux

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Condition of a Woman I

It has been several years since I have become, not to say obsessed - but let's say intrigued, or increasingly convinced by - the idea that a person's garbage can be quite surprisingly revealing about the person's personality, character, and/or personality.

Today, in a quick browse through the Still Life/Object gallery of the Tate Modern, I found that someone has beaten me to exploring that idea. Arman (Armand Fernandez) had collected the contents of his first wife's trash can, enclosed it in a glass case, and mounted it on an ornamental base, in a sculpture called "Condition of a Woman I".

The objects included: loads of rolled up grimy cotton wool, an old brush, what seems like discarded boxes of tampons, a broken hand mirror etc.

The little placard on the side of the work stated:
"Arman first presented debris as art in his poubelle (dustbin) works in 1959. The objects in this piece are from his first wife's bathroom and are mounted on an ornamental base from his father's antique shop. Objects of intimate personal use have been selected precisely because of their base quality, and are literally 'elevated' on a plinth to become art.* Arman raises questions about value, bringing private life into the public domain. Here, he also examines the image of woman constructed by society."
(* the bolded emphasis is my own)

The piece made me think of someone I know, who has a utilitarian view of Art. (Correct me if I'm wrong) From what I gather, he believes that Art (fashion, toys...) must be useful, in addition to, and not merely, being new. I on the other hand, sometimes find commendable if an artist can come up with an innovation in presentation, design - or in the context of fashion: perhaps an original way of combining elements to create a eyebrow-lifting twist on a stale design.

As I contemplated the work, I suddenly realised something about my current view of Art that I have not been able to pin down and define. I realised that I now have a more open view of Art - I can now accept as Art weird installation pieces or sculpture, so long as they provide a new perspective, a fresh way of looking at something familiar, or if they reveal Life.

Life, as in: the contents of someone's trash can, the preserved arrangement of a makeshift table hung vertically like a picure on the wall (there was such a piece in the Tate Gallery), strips of photos of a particular person/scene taken over the course of 24 hours, or across a year (a photography exhibition I had seen in Scotland a year back).

Still life = stilled life. A snapshot. A slice. A peek.

Isn't Life itself beautiful? The world is filled with billions of people all living their own lives. Like a huge seething, surging mass of worms. Pluck any wriggling, writhing worm out from that mass, and one surely can find something interesting about, or something to learn from the person. Even if the person has lead the most amazingly boring life ever, never budging from her couch since the day she was born - that would still be interesting, albeit in the hmmmm-it's-interesting-how-she-has-managed-to-survive-such-a-boring-life kind of way. - It would certain indicate SOMETHING about the human psychology (or the human ability to withstand the state of doing nothing for an extended period of time).

There is probably nothing more beautiful or intriguing than a slice of a random part of Life. And if an Artist can create an object/ arrangement of objects that can bring that to me, then that is Art.

Isn't that what the blogging phenomenon about anyway? Creating a journal out of words or pictures, projecting part of our lives (what we see, hear, do) into the world, reading and absorbing other lives, other creations. We are in all in the process of creating Art in our own way.

Hmm... how far my view of Art has evolved from the days when I poured scorn on that famous piece of installation art/sculpture that consisted of a single rose in a measuring cylinder (anybody have any idea what it's called or who it's by?).

Incidentally, a couple of links about blogs:
from wikipedia
from Harvard Law

Roadtrip 2004

Some quick facts and figures to start off:

Journey start: 2 June
Journey end: 18 June
Days on the road: 17
The machine: Chrysler 300 (rented)

Visited:
- Muir Woods (California)*
- Los Angeles (California)
- Las Vegas (Nevada)
- Grand Canyons (Arizona)
- Carlsbad Caverns (New Mexico)
- New Orleans (Louisianna)
- Chicago (Illinois)
- Yellowstone (Wyoming)
- Seattle (Washington)
- Mount St Helens (Washington)
- Berkeley (California)
- Santa Cruz (California)*

Also passed through:
- Palo Alto (California)*
- Hoover Dam (Nevada-Arizona border)
- Navajo Nation (Arizona, et al)
- Painted Desert (Arizona)
- Austin (Texas)
- Badlands (South Dakota)
- Wall (South Dakota)

Our broad route:
101S : San Francisco, CA -> Los Angeles, CA
I-10E to I-15E : Los Angeles, CA -> Las Vegas, NV
515, 93S to I-40E, to 64N : Las Vegas, NV -> Grand Canyon, AZ
64S to 89S to I-40E to 285S: Grand Canyon, AZ -> Carlsbad Caverns, NM
396 to 285S to I-10E: Carlsbad, NM -> New Orleans, LA
I-55N to I-57 : New Orleans, LA -> Chicago, IL
I-90W to 16W : Chicago, IL -> Yellowstone, WY
I-90W : Yellowstone, WY -> Seattle, WA
I-5S : Seattle, WA -> San Francisco, CA

Drove through 19 States:
create your ownpersonalized map of the USA

which, incidentally, brings my total tally to:

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

* indicates that these places were visited outside the actual roadtrip, as defined by the part of the trip undertaken on the rented car, between leaving SF and returning to SF.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Half-coherent ramblings

Back in London.

Am partly relieved to be back. Back to a place where things are familiar, where I feel more in control of things and my life.

The trip and my stay in the US was great though. A really good break for me. The kind of vacation that I really badly needed. Where I could kick back and relax. But it was ultimately a dream I guess. Like some kind of sweet drug that transports one to a floaty swirly world, where everything is hazy and comfortable.

But real life isn't like that. Real life isn't waking up 10.30am to play videogames, or lounging in bed, and having absolute freedom to decide how I want to fill my day. Real life isn't having boba for lunch, spending all day taking buses around town to hunt for the perfect pair of jeans, window-shopping, sitting in Union Square, reading a book under the sun. Real life isn't having a boy come home after work, to have dinner, and watch downloaded movies with, to level up with - there's something really fun, and warm about playing video games with someone else. That's fantasy life.

Any more of fantasy life, and I think I would have found it very very difficult to return to my own world. Even as it is, I crave so much to have the two additional weeks that my original plan would have conferred me. More. More of that sublime denial of a reality that is now staring me in the face.

But I had to return today. I arrived in London Gatwick slightly before nine in the morning. This was the latest flight out of the States I could catch, such that I will be able to pick up my parents at Heathrow airport later this afternoon. Their plane lands at 18.10 hours. If I could catch a plane that arrived in Heathrow at 18.09, I would have.

One of my housemates has gone home for a couple of months before he returns to start work. Another is at work at her internship right now. And my two remaining housemates whom I had lunch with, have left for Heathrow. They will be catching a plane to New York City, and then tour D.C. and Boston for 10 days, spending 4th of July there.

It's funny how two inhabitants (them) of this house left for the States, on the very day that another inhabitant of this house (me) returns from the States.

I like being older. It confers some benefits: like all this whizzing around. As a kid, going abroad seemed a huge deal to me. Now, hopping on a plane seems as effortless as hopping on a bus to head downtown. US folks coming over for a quick European tour, visiting friends all over the UK; plans made for friends studying in US, UK, and Singapore to meet up either in US or UK, then stopping by Hong Kong for a round of shopping before heading home; plans to hop across the border to Paris to visit a friend residing there disrupted by the friend's sudden decision to visit the States. I don't know if the borders are melting with our age, or with the age of computers, technology and cheaper, faster travel.

I am still jet-lagged. And semi-dreading having my parents over. Parents can be stressful at times. I am really not in a state to deal with nagging parents right now, so I'm hoping they will be as tired as I am, so we can all just crash out once we get back home.

Now I just have to keep awake for another hour or so...

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Today I stay home and play the housewife

Well, it was less about playing the housewife, and more about wanting to stay in to "mash the buttons", and improve my poor video-gaming skills in the only game I can play even remotely passably - Gauntlet, Dark Legacy - newly introduced to me just last night. Although, having said that, my decision not to go out today was influenced by the fact that it was my turn to cook (let's not even GO into WHY i'm in the damnable position of having to do that), and that I wanted to make some headway on my "Roadtrip Chronicles" (I might come up with a less lame name than that eventually).

After levelling up to Level 18 Witch from a Level 11 Sorceress, I called it quits, my Health having dropped to a dangerously low 300+ from a maximum of about 1600. Did some surfing blah blah, then gamely, if unenthusiasitically, began my pseudo housewife role.

I walked to the nearby big Asian supermarket on Clement Street: San Francisco is amazing in that there are Chinese shops, or Chinese-owned/staffed shops on every corner, at least in this part of town. The percentage of Asian people in the population I see on the street, which presumably is just some regular street in SF, is higher than the percentage of Asian people in the population I see walking around London's Chinatown!

So anyway, I entered the supermarket with a feeling of dread. Some history is in order here: For those who don't know me in real life, one thing about me is that uh... my Mandarin is not exactly uh.. the best in world (Okay it kinda sucks BIG time). But especially for technical terms like business terms ("transaction", "tax"), and also apparently for things like weight - in my defence: how often is it that a university student who does NOT moonlight as a butcher, and who studies in London, need to know terms like "grams", "milimetres" etc. right???

To continue my story: Two days ago (again it was my turn to cook), I went to this very same Chinese supermarket to buy pork, because this neighbourhood, unfortunately (GRRrrr), does not have a regular supermarket where everything is neatly packaged for in safe, sterile, and simple trays for you to pick off the shelf oh-so-coolly. So I stood awkwardly at the butcher counter, feeling distinctly out of place in my brown, zip-up, hooded sweater, and short short blue denim shorts, DECADES younger than most of the permed-haired aunties who formed the overwhelming majority of the clientele.

Never one to be good at estimating weights, distances and other such spatial-type things, and already feeling uncomfortable in my surroundings, I could HARDLY be blamed for being thrown off balance when the butcher asked me in Mandarin: "How many pounds (of meat did I want)?", ESPECIALLY having grown up in a Commonwealth country, where everything is metric. So, thinking "grams" (I wanted 500 grams of meat. A random estimate, really.), I said: "500."

The guy's eyes widened, and he actually reeled backward slightly. Now completely counfounded, I thought he thought that 500g of meat was too much, so I hastily changed it to "100 pounds". He blinked again and repeated incredulously: "100 pounds?!!" Another butcher-type guy who had turned to look at my first disastrous "500", turned away with a sneegh (i invented the word: a "sneegh" is a cross between a sneer and a laugh.) Thoroughly embarrassed, I remember belatedly that I myself am supposed to weigh a little over 100 pounds, but for the life of me, I didn't know how to say 'grams'. I suspected the word might be "jin", but I wasn't going to risk further humiliation.

In desperation, before the guy completely dismissed me as a nutcase (he was about to turn away), I waved wildly at the lump of meat and asked: "How much does that weigh?" He replied: "1.5 pounds." I wanted a third of that, but struggled to find the Chinese term for "one-third", and being totally traumatised by now, it didn't occur to me to say 0.5 pounds. So I decided to go for either a quarter (" half of a half" - I forgot how to say "quarter" too), and eventually just half of the piece, when he didn't understand my flailing arms and repeated "Half, half. Half, half".

So that was two days ago. And given the fiasco, I was understandably filled with dread today.

My friend had said, when I told him of my terrible experience: "Why didn't you speak English? They can speak English you know." Well, for one thing, I always tend to feel obligated to make effort to at least speak SOME Chinese when with fellow Chinese, especially the elderly auntie-uncle type. This is something that really annoys me. I really don't see why there is that implied obligation to speak Chinese. What if I don't speak Chinese at all? Like if I went to Malay school in Malaysia? Or if I'm a Zimbabwean Chinese? Or if I'm a Chinese who has been adopted by non-Chinese and who grew up in... ICELAND. Then what, huh? For another thing, I look at all the auntie-types, and the fact is, I actually feel the need to ask them: "Do you speak English?" before doing so. So today, as I paced up and down the aisles, I peered around, looking for someone I could pounce on, all the while weighing it up in my head: Would it be too condescending to ask someone if they speak English, given that we are after all, in the US of A?

After a while, I gave up on the entire idea, and heroically, with a sense of marching to my doom, went up to the butcher counter again. This time, I refused to fall into the trap, and said in English: "Three-quarters of a pound please." The guy blinked at me: "Three quarters? Three quarters?" I wanted to faint or kill myself. I have been defeated yet again. I gave up and pointed at the meat and said: "Half of that." He said: "Pound?" (Whatever. I don't care anymore, really.) I nod. And he plonks down slightly more than a pound on the scale. It amounts to $2.27. He says: "$2.27?" I say: "Okay", grabbed it and ran out, only too relieved to be out of there.

I return home. I listen to Big Band music and drink 'boba' ( as bubble tea is known here ) as I do the whole chopping and slicing prep thing. I usually loathe the entire housewife-thing, and strongly resist auntie-fication. But since I don't see myself ever being a home-making housewife type, I gamely decided to try it out for today. I'd like to experience everything at least once, this could be interesting. Mentally, I turn over the 'housewife' experience in my mind: 'How is it? Yes, no, maybe?' After a while, after giving it a fair chance, the answer is still a violent, resounding "NO!"

It's not hard work by any means. The cooking thing isn't hard work, leaving aside of course any quality control. Presumably the house-cleaning thingey can be approximately easily done as well, given the proper modern equipment: a vacuum cleaner (hoover), washing machine and dryer, dish-washing machine, and so on.

But even as I sat there doing simple tasks, and even though I knew it was only play-acting, and only for one day, I felt my heart and spirits sink. Slowly. Like heavy stones through a thick, viscous, gooey mass of liquid, as bubbles form, almost as if in slow motion, and "Glug... glug... glug..." rise slowly, painfully, towards the receding brightness of the surface.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong about being a home-maker. It's just that, for me, too much of my self-worth is tied to being able to achieve. And by achieve, I always always mean to achieve things outside of the home ( No "Best Baked Brownies" or "Most beautifully knit sweater" awards for me. ) Some people view themselves as athletes, others might take pride in their physical perfection, yet others might rejoice in their popularity, or see themselves as princesses and so on. My world view, and my own view of myself, is closely tied to working.

Maybe it's because my mom has always told me that financial independence is the key to freedom. And I agree. Financial independence is the only guarantee that I won't be bound to an abusive, alcoholic, gambling, violent, philandering man. You may say: "But you can tell what kind of a man he is before you marry him." I say: "Never trust a man." They may change. Maybe they lose their jobs and become self-destructive. They may have a cute secretary at work. Lighting could strike. I could become Xena the Warrior Princess. Whatever, you know.

Having said all that, I think my mom is Wonderwoman. She not only worked, but also did all the housework and cooking. I know for sure I'm never going to be like that. I, shall eat out.

[Added: later on at night]
P/S: When my friend got off work, he said to eat out instead. :-)

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Presenting a new season of blogging...

... two days late. Heh.

My excuse is that I've been ill. That, and that emailing takes some priority, and assorted other reasons, the description of which would be utterly pointless, and not the least bit enlightening.

One thing though: "I am still abroad." That is, I'm still in the US. I'm off the road, in home-base; but not home: where-i-live (London); and even further away from home: where-i-was-born (Malaysia).

My delay in commencing the whole writing act again, despite having hung up my walking boots (entirely figurative of course, since we drove rather than walked) on Sunday, the 20th of June, is also due to a kind of head-scratching: "Gee... what shall I say?" The way I imagine it must feel if suddenly, without any warning, one got pushed onto the stage to cries of "Speech, speech", with no idea of what to say.

What? Should I rush headlong into a haphazard, confused description of my trip? Historically, despite my sincerest intentions to write about my travels, I have never actually done even so much as transcribed my patchy travel-journal onto my website (except for my Czech trip), much less write lengthy travelogues. Or shall I ignore the fact that I've blithely skipped off for ages, and resume my frequent pointless ramblings on nothing at all? And if I wait ages and ages before putting up my travel stuff... well, then it becomes irrelevant anyway, at least to who I am at the time I post them.

Thus I begin the new season with uh... whatever this is (ice-breaker maybe?). And conclude with a twirl and curtsy, mainly because I feel like acting cute (Heh). Thank y'all for yor' patience.


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